When to Give Up

Sometimes progress comes when we stop doing something that is not working. But how do we know when we need to try harder and when it is time to quit and try something else?

I am sure you could find a complex decision model in some book, but for me it comes down to two variables.

1. The Heart - what's your heart telling you and what kind of life do you most want to build?

2. The practical situation at hand - what are your current needs and circumstances?

I find that a lack of progress can often be tied to inadequate attention to one or two of these variables. Some people are all heart - going full blast toward their dreams - but fail to plan well and take into account current financial needs and lead times.

For example, I left Intel (a perfectly good, well paying job) to become a writer. I bought a small cabin in the woods and decided to make it happen. My heart was in overdrive. But I had not done my homework and I did not know the time involved in writing, selling, publishing, and then promoting books. The right decision was to quit, get a real job again and then create a new plan (which I did and now I write).

Some people are practical to a fault. They focus on stability and push riskier dreams aside. I am a big believer in slowly developing one's dream while taking care of life's needs.

I have also known people who stick with a bad thing way too long. They know it is not the right job, relationship, profession, city, but stick with it because the fear of something new is greater. Sometimes our ego and pride get in the way of giving up when giving up is the right thing to do. It was very hard for me to get a real job again after quitting Intel - it felt like a failure to me.

Ah, actually it was a failure. But that's OK. I tried something. It did not work. So I tried something else.

During my motorcycle book tour around the country, I met a lot of people who want to start their own consulting and coaching businesses. Many people jump into these businesses too soon, IMHO. I think you ought to have a strong platform in both consulting and coaching BEFORE you go fully on your own. You have to be able to articulate why someone should hire you - what experiences and successes have you mounted? Have you taken the time it takes to develop into a great coach?

I am constantly looking at the mix of how I spend my time and focus and making adjustments. Another adjustment is coming soon, I can feel it.  What about you? Is it time to give up on something?

Comments

[Charlie]

Excellent points to consider. Those two are really appropriate in the situation. Sometimes it just comes down to plain logic. We can't just keep on going even though we know that we will lose.

[Joanna Young]

Hi Lisa

You have some really valuable points here.

I wonder if part of the reason we find this stuff difficult is the language we use. "Failure" is such a heavily laden word. Is it easier to think of it in terms of "something I tried that didn't work out?" For me that makes it easier to find the path towards the "letting go" part which is maybe also easier to swallow than "giving up". Again this might be that the message of "not giving up" is so hard-wired into us. But also because the words don't quite reflect what I think you're suggesting. It's not giving up the climb, just looking for a different path around the mountain.

Best wishes

Joanna

[Lisa Haneberg]

Sure - what we call things does matter. Lose, fail, give up versus let go, didn't work, and try something new.

I will say, however, that I think if you can get comfortable with the real words - like failure - you will progress more quickly. You might tell yourself it's not failure, it just didn't work, but inside you might still be held back by notions of failure. You see the distinction? We are all pretty good at psyching ourselves up when we catch ourselves thinking negative. But our fear of failure goes deeper than this.

If I can acknowledge a failure - call it a failure - and still move on, then the failure (and angst that comes with failure) has less of a hold on me.

Because I have seen my decision to move into the woods before knowing what it takes to be a writer as a failure - a bad decision, I am not haunted by it.

The more you can get to the authentic feeling and acknowledge it, the better chance you have of releasing its power on you.

[Joanna Young]

Lisa, thanks again. You're right. I can see how this would allow you to take back more power - and get to a different level of 'breakthrough'.

Joanna

[Howie]

Sometimes, trusting the heart is hard to do, because some of us may have bad experiences about it, or may have heard those bad experiences from a friend.

[Lisa Haneberg]

Howie - I agree, it all can be hard. But this is what makes it defining and better territory for breakthroughs.

[Scot Herrick]

I would extend this a little bit and say that deciding to stop doing something does not mean right this minute.

You could decide that this particular job is not right for you and to stop doing it. But what that could easily mean is then making a move to a different job and implementing those steps until a new job is found.

The key is recognizing that something needs to stop. That's a hard task, as written here. Then the next step is to plan and execute to something new.

Good article, Lisa. Thanks.

[Lisa Haneberg]

Scot - I think that's a great point. Deciding to move on does not mean it all needs to be done now. And taking some small steps each day will help make the transition more doable.

[deb]

i tried doing a trackback but seemed to fail miserably. (ha) and great point, lisa, about calling it a failure as a way to address and root out that fear. i hadn't thought about it that way, but i will now.

all the best!
deb