Turn off your cell phone!

I am guessing that this post will not be popular.....

I had a coffee shop meeting today. I was waiting for the other person to arrive and sipping my almond latte. At the table next to me sat two women. They were obviously friends or colleagues who knew each other fairly well.

A cell phone rang and this is what I heard:

• Woman A: "Let me see who that is."
• Woman B: Sitting....
• Woman A: "Oh, excuse me." Answers the phone. Chats with the person about restaurant plans and choices. At the end of the phone conversations, she says she will call him or her in a couple hours.
• Woman B: Sitting....
• Then Woman A gets off the phone and proceeds to talk about her plans with this person.

Here's my problem. First, when she said she needed to see who is was, she was really saying to Woman B is that while not everyone is more important you, some people are more important. Then she communicated that THIS person IS more important to me than you. Then she talked to this person who was obviously available to chat in a couple hours, which means the conversation did not need to occur at that time.

And lastly, instead of getting back to the conversation that they were having before the phone rang, Woman A continued to make this all about her by shifting the conversation to her dinner plans.

As friends and colleagues, many of us are polite when this happens. The phone rings, the other person gets it and we say, "no problem." This is a daily scenario repeated millions of times.

Unless you are the President (of a country), an on call neurosurgeon, or the only person with nuclear launch codes, you do not need to answer the phone. If you are talking with someone in person, it is rude and inconsiderate to interrupt that conversation. In addition, doing both things is pretty close to multitasking, which we know is not an effective way to use time.

I invite you to make your case if you think your situation is so unusual that you should answer every cell phone call that comes through.

We go presentations, we turn the phone off.
We go to meetings, we turn the phone off (we should).

The most important person is the one sitting across from you. Give him or her your undivided attention. Demand the same from others.

Another thing while I am ranting about cell phones. Do you have any idea how LOUD some of you talk on cell phones! "I THINK I AM GOING TO GET THE LEXUS. I LIKE THE BUICK, BUT THE LEXUS MAKES ME FEEL MORE IMPORTANT." This is noise pollution. When I am in a coffee shop, on a bus, in a restaurant, or on the plane (before and after take off) I don't want to be subjected to your verbal noise pollution. And you know what? The conversations are never about matters of national security or life and death. It's stupid stuff that can wait. So let it wait. Why disturb another person so that you can discuss restaurants or get caught up on the daily goings ons?

Rant done. :-)

Comments

[Donna Trenholm]

I'm not keen on intrusive mobile use at all, and I get exactly where you are coming from!

That said, I do feel the need to put the case for the other side - because I think it is possible to interrupt being with someone in person AND not be rude or selfish.

I would check my phone to see if my childminder is calling with an emergency. I have friends who are contractually obliged to be available on their phones, so they have look to see if is the dreaded number or not - and take the call if it is. It never bothers me in the slightest.

It's not what you do, it's the way that you do it, as they say.

Does the mobile phone make the ordinarily considerate person more obnoxious or does it just put peoples' existing negative traits in more public display? Hmmm...

I've taken to texting my not especially urgent stuff to friends etc while commuting on the train - it doesn't disturb other people and they can read and reply when they have a spare moment - long live the text!

I don't think there's much of a case for answering every call, though.

[Lisa Haneberg]

OK, Donna, I can see that it is important to check to make sure the call is not from your childminder. That would make sense.

I would challenge companies that require someone to be available 24/7 by phone for non emergency calls.

And in general, I would expect people to accept any calls that deal with emergencies.

The problem I have is that we have gotten so used to cell phones that we interrupt in person conversations to answer calls that do not need to be addressed at that time.

[Adrian Savage]

Lisa,

I am absolutely with you 100%. Cell phones should be a useful tool in emergencies. Instead, they've simply added to all the current distractions that take people's attention away from what they're doing.

Driving while yammering on the cell phone is one of my pet hates. It's a great way to cause an accident.

Being "in touch" has become a fetish in many organizations. As a result, people leap into ill-considered discussions and decisions — then feel bound by what they've said, even if it's something they regret. There are few choices that aren't better for being allowed to sit and wait a little.

Adrian

[Max Leibman]

I would agree that companies that require 24/7 availability need to be challenged, but still, it's a reality.

That said, I'm with you--when I'm with someone--friend, family, date, whoever--unless it's the day of an event I'm coordinating (in which case everybody around me knows in advance I'll be getting between ten and fifty calls and I have to take all of them) I WILL. NOT. ANSWER. MY. PHONE. My time with another human being is infinitely precious, and just because it's a convenient time for someone else to call me doesn't make it a convenient time for me to talk.

The one-in-100,000 chance that this is the life-and-death phone call does NOT make it worth checking. I'm sure someday I'll not take a call and regret it, but it hasn't happened once in five years of cellphone ownership. Maybe it's just that I see so few friends outside of work and volunteer contexts, but I find, if I'm really honest, then (at least for the minutes I have with another person), nobody on a phone is ever as important as the human being in front of me.

[Lisa Haneberg]

Adrian - Great point about the value of letting things sit in our minds for a bit....

Max - Great job! We can meet for coffee anytime.

Think back 10 years when not everyone had a cell phone. We managed to solve problems, respond to emergencies, and reach each other when needed.

[William Wilson]

This post is 110% correct.

Cell phones usually have voice mail, so it's not that important to take every call that comes in. And if people get the caller ID feature they don't need to answer the call in most cases.

If I'm expecting a call from someone (say a physician whose time is tight) I'd at least apologize to my companion and explain I am waiting to hear back from the person.

But otherwise, turn the ringer down (or off) and let voice mail do its thing.

[Lisa Haneberg]

William - Yep, that's what I would hope most people would do. I wish more people had the courage to just say NO.

Love your wine blog, by the way.

[Kim Greenlee]

Great post, but I don’t think its just cell phones but phones in general. We just notice it more with cell phones. I’ve been in conversation with people in their homes and in their offices - when the landline phone rings and they immediately answered it. Same deal as with cell phones. With caller id and answering machines there is no reason to jump for most calls.

I suspect that this is learned behavior that harkens back to the days when a phone call was the rare thing and couldn’t be missed. Our parents saw our grandparents hop when it rang, so in turn our parents hopped, and now we do. Like Pavalov’s dog we have been conditioned and we really should break the habit of letting the phone run our lives. Although I remember as a teenager ALL phone calls required immediate attention so maybe it’s something we need to out grow!

[Eric]

Bravo!

I carry my Treo everywhere I go. I get my email on it, text messages, check my eBay auctions and yes, even make phone calls.

The ringer is turned off 99.9% of the time. It is on stun (vibrate). I hate ring tones! I even have to be careful to put my phone on something where the vibrating will not make an ugly noise, like a conference table.

People who interupt conversations for incoming cell phone calls do the same thing on landlines.

As a manager, if someone is in my office and the phone rings I keep talkng or listening - hopefully more of the latter. I don't even look at it. I pretend it is not ringing and does not even exist.

People often say to me, "Do you need to get that?" My answer is "No!" I tell them that whomever is calling can wait. What I am telling them is that they are more important.

When they ask if you need to answer the phone call they are really saying, "Do you really have to answer that instead of continuing our conversation?"

You ranted about the fundamental egocentric nature of our culture. That is one worth ranting about!

Every manager should be required to read this.

Great post, Lisa.

[annette]

I'm totally supportive of you on this one and I think there's often another reason for answering the phone and that's to prevent us from real "intmacy" with others..I think there's an increasing anxiety about being "too" close - the myth of 24/7 availability offers us the possibility of being all things to all people, but in effect, it prevents us from being anywhere because we're always somewhere else

[annette]

Actually Lisa, this has prompted some thoughts of my own and I'm going to post a reply on my own blog - thanks!

[Max Leibman]

Kim: I think you're on to something, but that mobile phones are actually, in fact, orders of magnitude worse than landlines, for the simple reason that nobody can answer their landline when you're with them outside of their home or office. And while it's an equally inconsiderate behavior with a landline in many contexts, there will be more people for whom their job is (and, in this case, is legitimately) to answer that phone when it rings, no matter who is sitting in front of them. (Not that this excuses everybody; I will admit it drives me nuts when non-entrepreneurs--or entrepreneurs who have posted hours and voicemail--take random calls when I'm visiting with them in their homes. "No, no, don't mind me. I'll just stare at the pictures of your loved ones on the mantlepiece for another twenty minutes...")

[Lisa Haneberg]

I think the landline thing is equally rude and immature to cell phone abuse. The thing that makes cell phone abuse worse in my mind is that it affects innocent bystanders - like second hand smoke.

[Jamie]

when my husband was deployed overseas, he was more important than everyone else to me. i answered every call.

[Lisa Haneberg]

Jamie: I can certainly undestand that - I would do the same.

[hazel ladre]

can you post a cause and effect of texting using cellphones..??
because im tring to search for it but i cant find it...
thank you..
im hoping to post my reguest....

[Lisa Haneberg]

Sorry, I don't really understand your question..