How to GET People to Trust You

That's the title of this Forbes Mag. article. It seems to me that there is something wrong embedded in the title itself.

The word GET always makes my "warning, control" radar go up. Forget how we GET people to trust us, isn't the more important question how we can be trustworthy?

I think it is Covey who made this distinction, too. Yes, here's a quote from this online article about Covey's 7 Habits.

Covey writes that the inside-out approach says "[I]f you want to have a happy marriage, be the kind of person who generates positive energy and sidesteps negative energy rather than empowering it. If you want to have a more pleasant, cooperative teenager, be a more understanding, empathic, consistent, loving parent. If you want to have more freedom, more latitude in your job, be a more responsible, a more helpful, a more contributing employee. If you want to be trusted, be trustworthy. If you want the secondary greatness of recognized talent, focus first on primary greatness of character."

Managers who are trustworthy - open, candid, caring, consistent, keeping promises, not gossiping - will be trusted.

Here are a couple quotes from the Forbes article that I find particularly disturbing:

From love to business to politics, trust matters. There's no magic formula to building a trusting relationship. But there are a couple tricks to help you gain trust in a hurry--even if you don't deserve it.

and then this one...

Old-fashioned kissing up can also encourage trust. Feinstein advises her clients to make the object of their affection feel at ease by doing favors, giving compliments and being accommodating.

The key to establishing a long-term connection is consistency. A key part of espionage, says Earnest, is making local informants feel safe in every situation and with everyone in the agency. "If someone else is sloppy," he says, "the source fades away."

Huh? This smacks of Apprentice style management advice - power, manipulation, appearances. Yuck! We need to develop and build stronger, more trusting relationships in business, not more smoke and mirrors, disingenuous flattery, and short cut social strategies.

Comments

[Gary Bourgeault (managersrealm.com)]

You're right Lisa. I got the same feeling in reading it.

I've been married for 30 years and owned and managed businesses for about the same time.

To me, trust in earned over time, and isn't a strategy. It's who and what you truly are with the integrity and honesty that goes with it.

I especially dislike the "even if you don't deserve it" comment.

[Wally Bock]

This article is in the long train of others that see management as a series of techniques to trick and manipulate people. They tell us we should, "make people feel like they're part of the decision process" instead of actually making them part of the decision process. They tell us we should "make people feel safe taking risks" instead of suggesting that we could get better results by merely taking the risk out of trying new things. That grating sound you hear is me grinding my teeth.

[Craig]

I cannot agree with you more. You cannot buy trust, loyalty or commitment from your team. You have to earn it. If you try to trick the team members into gaining their trust, you will be found out and loose any posability of ever gaining their trust again.

[Wally Bock]

I love Gary's comment that "trust isn't a strategy."

You do, indeed, build trust over time. Trust is like a tree. It grows slowly into something wonderful. But beware. In minutes a chain saw can take out an oak that grew tall and glorious over more than a century.

[Lisa Haneberg]

Great comments, thanks. Wally, you are so right that one chainsaw incident can wreck years of growth.

[Carmine Coyote]

You are spot on with this posting, Lisa.

If you manipulate others, they will find out (they aren't stupid, whatever some managers and gurus want to believe). Once you are caught out in the manipulation, they won't trust you again, because no one likes to be made a fool of. So manipulating people into trusting you is a great way to DESTROY their trust, probably for a long time to come.

What was the author of that article thinking? Probably not thinking at all, I expect. Getting someone to trust you is what con artists do. It's like getting someone to love you when you don't love them. It's bound to end in tears, recriminations, and showing yourself to be a total asshole.

I've posted about trust on Slow Leadership (http://www.slowleadership.org) several times, if anyone is interested.

[Lisa Haneberg]

Adrian - what disappoints me is the magazine more than the author. Forbes chose this piece and published it. What they publish is a reflection of their values and brand. I don't read Forbes enough to know whether this article is consistent with their brand or a fluke from an editor who let one slide passed him or her.

[Rise]

I felt the same when I read something similar in a technical magazine for students. I wonder why they teach to fake genuineness. How are we going to improve the infrastructure if the younger generation is learning only to manipulate? We are building con artists (as Carmine said).
Lisa, I am glad you addressed this issue.
I wrote something similar in http://www.educatedbeing.com/2007/06/04/what-happened-to-genuinity/

[Anonymous]

Check out this blog. You may agree with it or enjoy it.

http://truerelationships.blogspot.com/